FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

 

Washington, D.C. - Vice President Dick Cheney, tired of being among the few White House elite to suffer from regular heart attacks, has announced an ambitious new extension to his already successful GroupThink strategy, in which members are to be shot or in some way physically wounded to trigger "minor" heart attacks, so they can share in Cheney's suffering, thereby further adding to the group's cohesive ties.

 

When pressed for comments on the new plan, Cheney, looking quite sour and pouty, which according to close advisors is really an indication of the Vice President's inner warmth and love for life, simply had the following words for reporters: "Grrrrrr.... arrrrrr...GRRRRR...." Advisors added that Cheney meant to say he hopes that all White House correspondents will soon benefit from his new plans, and find themselves shot in a nearby field surrounded by wildlife.

 

According to sources, the strategy is straight forward and executed with utmost efficacy. A heart-attack volunteer must first show an official RNC membership card, sign an NDA granting complete indemnity to the White House, press local law enforcement to deny any claims of negligence on the part of the Vice President, agree to leave behind all digital communication equipment, and finally, at the time they are shot, agree to lie quiet in the field, awaiting rescue from local paramedics, who will not be notified of the injury for a period of at least 24 hours.

 

Volunteers who succeed in having random bird shot further into their bodies than expected will receive a free admission to the Presidential Circle, and granted an honorable Pioneer membership level, as their physical predicament will so closely resemble that of the true pioneers, who frequently where shot at, struck, and found themselves riddled with bullets and lead. Even though many pioneers were shot by brown-skinned native Americans, and not short, fat, obscene-looking, white, fundamentalist Christian leaders, the fact that most tribal leaders have distanced themselves from the White House due to the Abramoff-casino scandal, has been cited by White House sources as a pass card to have Cheney stand in as a suitable substitute for the shooters.

 

When asked to comment on how he felt about being the administrator of bird shot, Cheney commented, "Grrr... RRRRR... AAARRRrrrr", which White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan indicated means that Cheney is cheerful and grateful for the honor such a role, and he will perform his duty to the highest degree of swiftness, and without a second thought pull the trigger at anyone who so desires to experience a minor heart attack.

 

When pressed for further comments on the overall strategy, Cheney suddenly clutched at his chest, fell to the ground, and was quickly surrounded by Secret Service staff, who discovered the Vice President had walked too far from the presidential podium, and accidentally pulled loose the extension cord from the wall, which provides him life-sustaining power.

 

Copyright 2006, The Assassinated Press 

... not to mention some 500 Iraqis...

 

We could all hope for it -- MSNBC apparently does -- but it's just a misspelling on their web site tonight:

 

 

 

Amazing. They should really consider having an extra pair of eyeballs look over their work. Or, maybe they employed our President to check it himself. Nice spelling, W.

 

David